I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
