Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
