i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
