she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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