we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
