Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
