Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
