as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
