Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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