I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
