he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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