She is in my trunk
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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