the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
