Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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