I must be too annoying 4 u.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
