I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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