You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
