Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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