i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
