woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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