It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
