You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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