yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
