thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
