If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
