You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
