I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
