So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
