The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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