I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
