Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
