I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
