I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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