I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
