I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
