I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
