Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
