R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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