Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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