I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
