I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
