My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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