Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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