YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
