____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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