dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
