Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
