She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
