Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
