I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
