I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
