So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
