Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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